Doctor Ess reviews Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Everyone told me Crystal Skull’s first hour was just fabulous and then it all breaks down after that. There is amazing disagreement on whether this movie completely sucks on the level of EPISODE 1 proportions or whether it is actually a brilliant 4th installment that more than keeps up with its predecessors. I’m here to tell you, this is exactly opposite.

Before I go further, I have to mention the audience. This film has one thing in common with Richard Gere projects over the past 5 years, it skews older. In the audience, easily 70 to 80% were over 50 years old. They seemed to be enjoying it. Honestly, I guarantee they got WAY more of the jokes and references than anyone under 40 did. That doesn’t mean this isn’t friendly for younger audiences (in fact, in my opinion this is the least violent, least scarry of all the Indie series). But unless you are a student of the 1950’s era or lived through it, there will be a lot you don’t “get”.

For me, the first hour wasn’t a complete disaster, just “off” somehow. It didn’t feel like Indie. It was hard to get into. It was so foreign, so different from anything you’ve seen in the past with Indie in it that you can’t really catch a groove. The story has some trouble drawing you in at first. Honestly, things get WAY more interesting when Mutt shows up. Also, the first time you see Harrison Ford in his Indie costume, it will be so shocking, as he looks so much older, that it is actually jarring. It will be hard to get over for at least an hour of the film.

What worked:

The film lives and dies on Harrison Ford’s charisma. It’s great to see him doing something meaningful again and drawing box office crowds. I think he’s still got 2 more in him and this film is making enough money that it should justify a few more as they transition Mutt more and more into the forefront.

I LOVE the cold war era. I love the atomic age. In the 1950’s anything seemed possible. The films of the 50’s reflected this idealism with creative science fiction and horror movies starring Giant Ants, huge robots, technology that could do anything, and lot’s jumpsuits. Nuclear (or “Nucular” if you are George W Bush) Winter was a button push away. America had an enemy that was an actual country with a completely opposite political system instead of a bunch of maniacs hiding in caves all over the Middle East. If there is anything that this film get’s right in the first half, it’s depicting the paranoia of this era from Atomic bomb to “the thought police” to the “red scare” and everything in between.

The action shots are awesome. It’s great to see some real stunts. Like DEATHPROOF last year, the real stunts give a sense of danger that CG (no matter how well done) cannot depict. For the most part, Speilberg is smart in that he shoots all the action from afar so we can actually see what is happening (what a concept!) instead of the current trend to bring the camera suffocatingly close.

Shia Lebouf is good. He is. Once I got over a few of his quirks early on, he actually holds his own against veterans like Ford. I could see him carrying on for a new generation. He doesn’t have the screen presence that Ford has but few younger actors hold a candle to the likes of the truly great performers. I’m officially going to cut this guy a LOT of slack going forward. This won me over on the order of DiCaprio’s redemptive roles after TITANIC. I don’t know if I should thank Lucas or Speilberg or both for not casting a moron like Jake Lloyd or Hayden Christensen to literally ruin the entire film.

I love the nods to 1950’s classics like TARZAN, THE THING, THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL, TARANTULA, etc. I know a LOT of people didn’t get what they were going for here and I can totally understand but that is why the 2nd part of the film is SO much better for me. I totally got what they were trying to do with this and the more over the top it got, the better. The winks and nudges kept it really interesting and nostalgic.

What didn’t work:

The first half could have been made by fans. Seriously, besides the great camera work and production values, the plot is more like a “fan film” than a true Indiana Jones opener.

I would rather have seen a search for another religious artifact with Judeo-Christian roots. Those just seemed to work better. Also, the communists weren’t as scarry because they have not been near as demified in our current culture as Nazis. I know a lot of people said that Cate Blanchett was great. I thought she was “ok”. Bring back Belloq! That was a real enemy. I wasn’t scared of her. I never felt like the characters were in any real danger from her.

The plot breaks down so many places. It really is easy to poke massive holes in it. I’m not talking about how ridiculous it is (that is fine with me. I can suspend disbelief in an Indie film). I’m talking about how even on its own merit, it doesn’t make sense in lot’s of places. People flying out of walls and holes without motive or reason. The whole crystal skull reasoning and plot is so shakey that it just falls under its own weight. It’s actually surprising after spending this many years on the script, that there are that many problems.

Karen Allen. What happened? I LOVE her in Raiders. But this wasn’t good. It wasn’t terrible on epic proportions but it wasn’t strong either. I don’t get it. She didn’t feel like Ravenwood much at all. The fire was gone. For that matter, most of the supporting cast get’s very little to do.

The last 5 minutes is literally the WORST 5 minutes put to film of the entire series. SilentKid got it right. Please don’t show us crap like this.

The final point I’ll make is that this film really should not be called an Indiana Jones title. It is not a 4 in the sense of a sequel to previous films. Sure, it is constantly nodding to the other 3 but only as a fan stunt, not for any meaningful relevance to the current plot. This film really should be considered a new “1st” installment in the franchise. It’s set in such a different period, with a cast that is very much different than their former selves, and a plot that is more a parity of the first 3 than a continuation. I have to REALLY thank SilentKid for making think this would COMPLETELY suck. That way I had low enough expectations that I could get over it and just have fun and find things ‘to like’. It’s not great. Easily the worst of the 4 films but it was fun and by all means, it was worth making I think. If you go into it with a mindset that this is the start of a “new” Indiana Jones trilogy, then you will probably enjoy it more.

By the way, remember how Indiana is actually the name of Jone’s childhood dog? I wonder if “Mutt” was the name of its offspring.

One other thing, John Rhys-Davies should have been in this!